Monday, March 18th

Dancing With The Stars, 2-hour season premiere at 8pm on ABC

– Fire up the spray-tan machine—it’s time to airbrush muscular definition where no abs exist for Dancing’s 16th season! Ancient Planet Mirrorballus lore would predict victory for the young Olympic gold medalist (gymnast Aly Raisman), the NFL star (Jacoby Jones), or Derek Hough’s partner (Idol alum Kellie Pickler). But do not underestimate figure skater Dorothy Hamill and my favorite Leprechaun Tristan MacManus. But nevermind the so-called “stars,” of note this season is the absence of the Russian with the big mouth Maksim Chmerkovsky and his fine derriere.

Top of the Lake, miniseries premiere at 9pm on Sundance Channel

Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss and Holly Hunter star in this terrifically moody 7 part miniseries about a 12-year-old girl who is 5 months pregnant when she walks into a lake…then disappears. Detective Robin Griffin (Moss) returns home to investigate, but it’s not a simple missing persons case. In this breathtaking but remote mountain town, there are evil forces as powerful as the land itself. And those who offer a glimpse of paradise also provide a path to hell. Trapped where happiness and honest work are just out of reach, Griffin must not only find the girl but also face her own haunting past. With the men that she once left behind now standing in her way, every step closer to solving the case unearths a dangerous truth about herself.

Bates Motel, series premiere at 10pm on A&E

– A&E presents a highly-anticipated sinister new series about a young pre-“Psycho” Norman Bates (Freddie Highmore) and his sexy smothering mother Norma (Vera Farmiga). This contemporary prequel to the genre-defining Hitchock film promises to give viewers an intimate portrayal of how Norman Bates’ psyche unravels through his teenage years. Fans will have access to the dark, twisted backstory and learn first hand just how deeply intricate his relationship with his mother truly is and how she helped forge the most famous serial killer of them all.

Tuesday, March 19th

Splash, series premiere at 8pm on ABC

– When you run out of good programming ideas, casting washed-up celebrities in a high diving competition reality series is sure to generate viewership, right? Apparently, ABC execs seem to think so, well at least it beats The Neighbors…I think… Splash marks the first time 10 celebrities will train and compete in regulation platform and springboard diving at dizzying heights in front of a weekly poolside audience. Each week the celebrities will look fear in the face as they leap off the 10-meter high dive, pair off to complete synchronized stunts, and flip, twist and spin into the depths of the pool below. Leading up to the competition, the world’s most decorated and medaled diving legend, Greg Louganis, will give each celebrity weeks of training. Each dive will be critiqued by the judges, London Olympic U.S. Gold medalist David Boudia and Australian Olympic athlete and USA Dive Team director Steve Foley. The celebrity cast includes former NBA player Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, reality star and former girlfriend of Hugh Hefner Kendra Wilkinson, comedian Louie Anderson, Nickelodeon star Drake Bell, Chelsea Lately star Chuy Bravo, pro skier Rory Bushfield, actresses Nicole Eggert and Keshia Knight Pulliam (who? Exactly…), NFL player Ndamukong Suh, and Miss USA contestant and TV correspondent Katherine Webb.

Friday, March 22nd

Tanked, season premiere at 9pm on Animal Planet

– Following the antics of two brothers-in-law as they run the largest aquarium manufacturing company in the nation, Tanked dunks viewers into the high-decibel, family-owned business of Acrylic Tank Manufacturing (ATM). Led by business partners, best friends and constant rivals Wayde King and Brett Raymer, this 13,000 square foot facility, located in Las Vegas, produces some of the most outrageous, larger-than-life and one-of-a-kind tanks for some of the most striking fish and clients around. No job is too big, too far, or too outlandish as Wayde and Brett travel the world to make fellow fish enthusiast’s dreams of having their own little piece of the ocean a reality. They’ve created tanks to look like pyramids, spheres, phone booths, cars, kegs, the female anatomy and much more. Their work is customized to fit intricate and interesting locations including restaurants, casinos, banks, hotels, churches, corporate offices, mansions, museums and zoos. Tanked brings the secrets of the underwater world to the surface with a comedic twist, leaving viewers amazed and enthralled with each project from conception to final reveal.

Saturday, March 23rd

Nickelodeon’s 2013 Kids’ Choice Awards, awards show from 8 to 9:30pm on Nickelodeon

– Fergie’s hubby and Safe Haven star Josh Duhamel is hosting. Bring on the slime!