America’s Funniest Home Videos, season premiere at 7pm on ABC

– The hit series that has become a cultural phenomenon also happens to be ABC’s longest running primetime entertainment show. The weekly television series features home videos of kids, adults and animals during their most spontaneous and hilarious moments. Each week, host Tom Bergeron (Dancing With The Stars) shines the spotlight on new videos of cute cats and dogs, adorable babies, spectacular wipeouts, clever practical jokes, skateboarding debacles, water pranks, and wedding calamities. The failures and fiascos, collisions and collapses and just plain bad luck make AFV fans return each week to cringe and laugh out loud. Never have so many groins been injured to the delight of so many!

VH1 Tough Love: Miami, season premiere at 8pm on VH1

– Matchmaker Steve Ward is back for a third season and this time, he’s bringing a little Miami flare to the romantically challenged ladies of Tough Love. Steve believes dating is different in every city around the country, and this time, he’s taking his Boot Camp to one of the most challenging dating cities in the country–Miami: famous for its spicy South Beach scene and flawless men and women. This will be the Ultimate Test for our unlucky in love bootcampers! But don’t worry, Steve’s hasn’t lost the brutally honest approach to dating that made him and his mother JoAnn Ward one of the most successful matchmaking teams in the country. This season, Steve will work with a group of 8 single, attractive women living together in a house for 10 weeks to change their dating ways. These women are desperate and single and can’t figure out why. Steve guarantees that if they follow his advice, by the end of bootcamp, they will be ready for love.

Dexter, season premiere at 9pm on Showtime

– The explosively popular Dexter is back with a vengeance for a sixth season of startling suspense and unexpected twists. Michael Hall stars in his Emmy-award winning role as Dexter Morgan a Miami Metro Police Department blood spatter analyst who leads a double life. When he’s not helping the homicide division solve murders, he satisfies his dark desires by hunting and killing bad guys who slip through the justice system, all the while following a strict code established for him by his father. It’s been a year since last season’s shocking and heartbreaking conclusion, and mild mannered criminologist-cum-grisly serial killer Dexter Morgan has come to terms with who he is. But his existence is shattered when he crosses paths with an enemy unlike any he’s faced before. A delusional religious zealot with unflinching convictions, this new adversary soon draws Dexter into a dangerous game that could well end in disaster.

Homeland, series premiere at 10pm on Showtime

– From the executive producers of 24, this highly anticipated drama-suspense series examines the questions who’s the hero and who’s the threat? When MIA Marine Sgt. Nicholas Brody (Damian Lewis) returns home to a hero’s welcome after eight years in enemy confinement, brilliant but volatile CIA agent Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) isn’t buying his story. Haunted by her failure to anticipate the 9/11 attacks, she is determined to ward off further terrorism against U.S. targets, almost at any cost. She is already skating on thin ice within the CIA after a disastrous attempt to get information from a condemned Iraqi source sparks a diplomatic crisis. But Carrie was able to get a small piece of unsettling secret intelligence from her source before he died, and she is convinced it has alarming significance to the return of MIA Sgt. Brody. She believes that Brody has been turned and is now working for Al Qaeda. What follows is a dangerous game of cat and mouse with nothing short of American national security at stake. The crucial question is, is Carrie’s conviction based on fact or is it the product of a delusional obsession?

Hung, season premiere at 10pm on HBO

– The HBO dark comedy series about a male hooker is entering its third season. Former high school sports legend turned middle-aged high school basketball coach Ray Drecker (Thomas Jane) was divorced and struggling to provide for his kids when his run-down house caught fire. Desperate for cash, he took a second job exploiting his best asset…his package. This dark comedy explores the personal setbacks of a man who resorts to male prostitution in the midst of a troubled economy. The second season will focus on the complex dynamic between Ray and his two female pimps, Tanya and Lenore. Lenore, Ray’s assertive life coach who believes Ray should focus on more high-paying clients, begins taking over the business and tries to edge Tanya out of the company she created, Happiness Consultants (visit the website to view a video of the services they can offer to make your life happier!).

How to Make It in America, season premiere at 10:30pm on HBO

– The sophomore dramedy follows two enterprising twentysomethings as they hustle their way through New York City, determined to achieve their American Dream. Trying to make a name for themselves in the city’s competitive fashion scene, Ben Epstein and his friend and business partner Cam Calderon use their street knowledge and connections to make their way up. With the help of their well-connected friend Domingo and Cam’s cousin Rene, who has ambitions of his own (a new high-energy drink called Rasta-Monsta) the burgeoning entrepreneurs set out to make it big.

Monday, October 3rd

Pop Up Video, season premiere at noon on VH1

– After a 10-year hiatus, VH1 has decided to bring back one of the channel’s most talked about and iconic series. Pop Up Video has stood the test of time, ranking as one of the most iconic series in recent television history. Any recent indications that the music video is dying will be countered by the nostalgic audiences that will flock to watch the unforgettable and fun series. The network has ordered 60 episodes of the familiar format featuring current videos, some new graphics and the beloved pop-up “bubbles” of priceless details and insights. Pop Up Video will also integrate interactive elements including user polling and user-generated pop up content that will be reflected in the show.

House, season premiere at 9pm on FOX

– This hit series is an innovative take on the medical drama in which the villain is a medical malady and the hero is an irreverent, controversial doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients. Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie), devoid of bedside manner and dealing with his own constant physical pain, uses a cane that punctuates his acerbic, brutally honest demeanor. His behavior often borders on antisocial, but House is a brilliant diagnostician whose unconventional thinking and flawless instincts afford him a great deal of respect. An infectious disease specialist, he thrives on the challenge of solving medical puzzles in order to save lives. In the season six finale, House, driven by the loss of a patient he treated at an accident site and confronted with the unexpected news that Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) was now engaged, spiraled into despair and considered treating his mental and emotional anguish with Vicodin, potentially prompting the cycle of his dependency and addiction all over again. But in a surprising turn, Cuddy revealed that she called off her engagement and admitted to House she loves him, despite wishing she didn’t. Also, Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) submitted her leave of absence from the hospital, prompting questions about the status of her health. As Season Seven begins, House and Cuddy attempt to make a real relationship work and face the question as to whether their new relationship will affect their ability to diagnose patients.

The A-List: Dallas, series premiere at 10pm on Logo

– You thought the housewives were desperate, until you met the houseboys of The A-List: New York. Now the franchise expands to where everything is bigger, including the drama. The A-List: Dallas is dishing up a Texas-sized serving of larger-than-life personalities and their high-living lifestyles. Tag along on a high octane ride fueled by big oil and bigger appetites as these gents and their gal pals kick up their boots for some BIG livin’–Dallas Style. It’s Housewives With Balls, Y’all!

Tuesday, October 4th

Gene Simmons Family Jewels, season premiere at 9pm on A&E

– A reality series about a rather unconventional celebrity family…Dad is Gene Simmons –the legendary, tongue-wagging demon of KISS. Mom is Shannon Tweed – former Playmate of the Year, actress and model. And their kids Nick and Sophie are dealing with the trials and tribulations of being young adults, even though Mom and Dad are truly like no one else’s parents. The couple has been together for 28 years and are still unmarried, but hopefully not for long. The hit series picks up where last season’s cliffhanger left off as Shannon answers Gene’s long awaited marriage proposal in this special one-hour premiere. (Spoiler alert, she clearly said yes because they got married on October 1st)

Mad Fashion, series premiere at 10pm on Bravo

– Former Project Runway alum and fan favorite Chris March has something up his sleeve in his new reality series Mad Fashion. From start to finish, viewers will see March and his eccentric crew as they create one-of-a-kind designs for his high-profile clientele. No creation or idea is too crazy for this team as they design Jennifer Coolidge’s Mardi-Gras float ensemble and model Chrissy Teigen’s gown for the MET Costume Gala. Tensions rise as March pushes the boundaries of fashion and challenges his clients’ comfort zones. In the end, will the design fulfill the client’s fashion fantasy or will it turn out to be more than they can handle?

Onion News Network, season premiere at 10pm on IFC

– The parody news series that was originated on the web by the satirical newspaper The Onion and was picked up by IFC returns for its second season of absurd news coverage. The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. The network boasts more attack satellites than any other news organization and no other channel has more secret surveillance cameras in homes, businesses, and high-level government offices. The Onion News Network is truly the most powerful name in news. The Onion News Network’s vast array of programming includes Today Now! for morning news to ease you softly into your day, Washington This Afternoon and the Cressbeckler Stance for astute political commentary, Star Fix for obsessive coverage of celebrity and entertainment events, Cross Examination with Shelby Cross for tracking the latest legal cases, and In The Know for no-holds-barred debate. The network has spawned more than 100 subsidiary news channels, five separate Onion Business Channels, the Onion Prison Network, and OnionAisle, a news channel played on department store electronics display models. Globally, Onion-branded channels reach 811 countries in 152 languages. The Onion News Network is one component of the larger Onion media empire which includes the Onion Broadcasting Channel (OBC) for general programming, Onion Pictures for major film releases, and the Onion News Bar & Grill with more than 2,000 restaurant locations nationwide.

Wednesday, October 5th

American Horror Story, series premiere at 10pm on FX

– The new horror series (that’s practically a new television genre in itself) from the creators of Glee revolves around the Harmons, a family of three who moved from Boston to Los Angeles as a means to reconcile past anguish but unknowing that the decrepit mansion they move into is haunted. The all-star cast features Dylan McDermott as Ben Harmon, a psychiatrist; Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights) as Vivien Harmon, Ben’s wife; and Taissa Farmiga as Violet, the Harmon’s teenage daughter.

South Park, season premiere at 10pm on Comedy Central

Thursday, October 6th

The League, season premiere at 10:30pm on FX

– To be a fan of The League, you don’t need to know much about fantasy football, or sports at all. You just need to have friends that you hate. FX’s ensemble comedy follows a group of old friends in a fantasy football league who care deeply about one another – so deeply that they use every opportunity to make each other’s lives miserable. The League features an ensemble cast of rising actors/comedians. Mark Duplass (Humpday) plays “Pete,” the perennial league champ who is struggling to become an adult. Stephen Rannazzisi (Paul Blart: Mall Cop) is “Kevin,” a happily married father and commissioner of the league. Nick Kroll (Get Him to the Greek) plays “Ruxin,” who believes he is the smartest of the group but can’t figure out how exactly the other guys are screwing him over. “Andre,” played by Paul Scheer (Human Giant), has continued to be the punching bag of the group since their high school days – a fact that hasn’t changed despite the fact he is now a successful plastic surgeon. Jon Lajoie is “Taco,” Kevin’s little brother, a part-time musician and full-time stoner with little interest in fantasy other than hanging with his buddies (whom he struggles to remember). Katie Aselton (The Freebie) plays “Jenny,” Kevin’s wife and his better half – especially when it comes to Fantasy Football.

Friday, October 7th

Say Yes to the Dress, season premiere at 9pm on TLC

– The hit original of the franchise Say Yes to the Dress reveals the inner workings of the world’s premier bridal salon, Kleinfeld Bridal. Part fashion show, part bridal story, part family therapy, the series uncovers the hurdles the staff faces to make each bride completely satisfied.

Top Secret Recipe, series premiere at 9pm on CMT

– Each week, our food hacker host, Todd Wilbur, investigates an iconic American recipe and attempts to re-create it better than the original, proving it with a blind taste test. In each one-hour episode, Wilbur is faced with a new challenge — re-create the secret recipe of an iconic American brand in three days, whether it’s Colonel Sanders’ highly regarded KFC chicken blend or those famous Cinnabon rolls. Armed only with his keen sense of taste, investigative skills and a mobile food lab, Wilbur heads to that brand’s corporate headquarters to meet with the CEO and begin his process of using every means possible to crack the recipe. Over the next three days, Wilbur employs a number of creative gumshoe efforts to zero in on the recipe. He rolls up his sleeves and goes “CSI” by testing samples in his undercover mobile food lab, disguising himself for retail store visits, spying on preparation techniques, pumping employees for information on crucial ingredients and talking his way into high security areas. Once the clock stops, brand executives and fans sit down to dine on both creations in a blind taste test. Can Wilbur fool the judges and successfully pull off a counterfeit dish? Or will the classic recipe reign supreme? After decades of silence, the techniques and ingredients of some of our favorite meals will finally be revealed.

Sanctuary, season premiere at 10pm on Syfy

– The sci-fi series Sanctuary blazes a trail across the TV landscape with never-before-seen production technology. Starring Amanda Tapping, best known to fans as the brilliant Col. Samantha Carter on Stargate SG-1, Sanctuary is the first series to shoot extensively on green screen, using virtual sets and extraordinary visual effects. Sanctuary follows the adventures of the beautiful, enigmatic and always surprising Dr. Helen Magnus (Tapping), a brilliant scientist who holds the secrets of a clandestine population — a group of strange and sometimes terrifying beings that hide among humans. Along with her new recruit, forensic psychiatrist Dr. Will Zimmerman (Robin Dunne), her quirky tech wiz Henry (Ryan Robbins) and her fearless daughter Ashley (Emilie Ullerup), Magnus seeks to protect this threatened phenomena as well as unlock the mysteries behind their existence.

Saturday, October 8th

Rules of Engagement, season premiere at 8pm on CBS

– The smart comedy series entering its sixth season has finally overcome being a midseason replacement for a failing comedy on the Monday night comedy block, but its regular place on the fall schedule is now a dreadful Saturday night slot, ouch. This comedy is about the different phases of male/female relationships, as seen through the eyes of an engaged couple, Adam and Jennifer; a long-time married pair, Jeff and Audrey; a single guy on the prowl, Russell (David Spade); and his office assistant, Timmy. As they find out, the often confusing stages of a relationship can seem like being on a roller coaster: people can describe them to you, but to really know what it’s like, you have to take a ride for yourself.

The Adam Carolla Project, series premiere at 10pm on DIY

– On DIY Network’s The Adam Carolla Project, comedian and one-time construction worker Adam Carolla (Loveline, The Man Show, Crank Yankers) has an ill-fated plan to buy his childhood home and attempt to turn it into a million-dollar house in just 13 weeks. Armed with his self-described “band of unemployable idiots,” Adam can only shake his head as the project turns into a comedic parody of home improvement with budget overruns, blown schedules and celebrity drop-ins.