The premiere of DWTS’s 10th season was very exciting with the most interesting and famous cast yet. I was ecstatic to see more difficult choreography right off the bat. Here is how I rank the 11 contestants based on last night’s performance, with the major difference from the judges being that I prefer natural rhythm as opposed to forced awkward hip movement. Evan and Nicole are the frontrunners this season (no surprise there): their movement is fluid and graceful and they nailed the choreography.

1. Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough (25)

2. Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya (23)

3. Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke (18)

4. Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel (18)

5. Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood (21)

6. Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas (18)

7. Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy (21)

8. Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower (20)

9. Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani (16)

10. Aiden Turner & Edyta Sliwinska (15)

11. Buzz Aldrin & Ashly Costa (14)

I loved watching Derek and Nicole being dorks together in the rehearsal footage. This is an insanely sexy partnership, I can’t wait to see more, especially the Latin dances—flashback to the awesome head bobbing in the crotch move from the mambo competition that Derek and Joanna won last season. Nicole wowed everybody except for the grumpy old man, picking up the first 9’s of the season (2 9s and 1 7 for a total of 25, the night’s highest score). She was amazing, as I expected, because even though ballroom isn’t the same kind of dancing she does for PSD (in her own words: chest pumps and booty shaking), she does have experience learning choreography and that is a huge advantage. Besides, the chest pumps and booty shaking will certainly please Bruno in the Latin dances. I’m appointing her the Mya of this season, although hopefully she has a little more spunk than Mya, who was too shy and lacking in personality to claim the trophy last season despite being the most technically gifted.

Evan was graceful and had beautiful quality of movement, which was completely expected, albeit a misguided expectation according to him, so he definitely delivered. It was just a lovely performance and he looked like the definition of elegance.

Chad Ochocinco was so much fun to watch because of his great rythym and energy. I can excuse the sloppiness for now because I love a hot man with good rythym. Of course I would expect nothing less given his self-appointed Spanish last name (Ochocinco is Eighty-five in Spanish). He has natural dance ability and once he learns to nail all the steps and make them clean his dances are going to be sexy!

Niecy Nash was a wonderful dose of junk-food addict in a competition that is dominated by skinny white folk. Niecy’s performance lacked polish but she was having a blast and therefore I was having a blast. Lady Nash was the only one who nailed the Latin Ballroom fingerpoint, you know what I’m talking about, it’s hot, it’s sexy, it’s commanding and amateurs never do it at this stage in the competition, lovely touch. But of course grumpy old man berated her and it hurt her feelings because it brought up childhood trauma about being forced to stand in the back of the room due to her weight. But she pulled herself together and dedicated her performance to women everywhere who have junk in the trunk. Work it girl and don’t let Louis make you skinny like he did to Kelly!

Pam Anderson was paired with new pro dancer Damian Whitewood—they are this season’s blond couple. Their Cha Cha Cha was hot, sexy, top heavy of course (a la Apolo Ohno), and about 2 thin layers of flashy fabric away from penetration. Honestly, I don’t know how well she hit the steps because I was too distracted by the not-so-soft soft porn in front of me. Pam Anderson was clearly drunk, high, or both, but in any case it was highly amusing. Methinks that since she performed last she was probably binge drinking for the entire 1 hour and 45 minutes before her performance when the celebs were locked in the “Celebraquariam.” Fist pumps to Carrie Ann and Bruno for the ridiculously hilarious Pam Anderson-inspired hair tossing.

Shannen Doherty was a blubbering rash-covered mess in an endearing sorta way. The Beverly Hills 90210 alum confessed that she hates competition, she absolutely detests being judged, and she can’t fathom the idea of performing in front of an audience, so much so that it causes her to break out in hives. So of course she picked the best possible reality TV show that highlights her weaknesses, this is going to make for an interesting season. But she is doing it just for her dad, a DWTS fanatic who recently suffered a massive stroke. Clearly, she takes after her father who also turned on the waterworks after seeing her perform. HAHAHAHA, I always love to see a man cry. But while I may laugh here, it was a sweet moment. I guess we cannot underestimate how much he really loves Dancing With The Stars.

I am honestly dumbfounded as to how Erin Andrews got praise from all the judges, oh wait I’m not…she’s tall, she’s blonde, and she has no rhythm, of course Len loves her! Seriously though, Erin had about as much control over her limbs as Maks has over his temper. It was painful to see her flailing her arms like she was a dog who had just been thrown in water for the first time. The only good thing about her is that her constant self-criticism prompted Maks to complain, ”My only pleasure in life is to bitch at people, and you’re taking it away.” It was priceless and for that I can’t hate her entirely.

Jake is hot as all hell but all that hotness gets kinda overshadowed when he’s squatting the entire routine like he’s about to dump a load, not pretty. He can also quit with the “Proposing to Vienna was the greatest honor in my life” bullcrap. Your season of The Bachelor ended, you’re not trying to seduce us so I don’t ever want to see another rose on that dance floor again, understood?

Oh Kate, what to do with a girl like Kate? Seriously, I don’t even know what to say. She was umm, momlike? Her performance was just overall boring—she has no stage presence and was too nervous to pretend like she was enjoying herself. I feel bad for Tony…another season, another Mirrorball trophy entirely beyond his reach.

Aiden was a little underscored, just a little though cause he wasn’t great, but I think most of the problem was Edyta’s choreography, which challenged Aiden to do absolutely nothing while everybody else’s choreography had seriously taken it up a notch from last season. And Bruno was right to point out that there was “nothing growing in the groin,” Aiden needs to seriously turn up the gyration factor, we wanna see a hot man shake his junk.

Buzz Aldrin was adorable because he is all grandpa cute and “I walked on the moon,” but he barely walked around the stage. Not sure if it was because he’s old and he just can’t move that much or if his partner Ashly underestimated his physical dancing ability. If he just had more footwork and hip action I would love it!

Those are my ramblings, how about you? Did you miss Len and his grumpy old man haterade or did you wish Samantha Harris took him with her?

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